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Why Buffet Scrambled Eggs Are the Worst

Buffet Scrambled Eggs Should Be Illegal

LOS ANGELES, CA - SEPTEMBER 17:  A general view of the brunch buffet at EcoLuxe Lounge Celebrates the Emmys on September 17, 2016 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Tasia Wells/WireImage)

People often ask me what my least favourite food is, and without hesitation, I say buffet scrambled eggs. Thinking about them makes me gag. As far as I'm concerned, they should be banned from every hotel continental breakfast and hot bar on the planet. My greatest hope is that one day they will be illegal.

Why? Allow me to explain. Scrambled eggs are a finicky, delicate food. They cook quickly and require only a few things: whisked eggs, salt and pepper, a buttered pan, medium-low heat, and a good silicone spatula. That's just the basics, but if I have cheddar and chives around, even better! Regardless, the only way I can eat them is fresh out of the pan and immediately on a plate. Serving them buffet-style is the complete opposite.

You use a big utensil to scoop them up like a firm casserole or — oh god — a sponge cake.

Buffet scrambled eggs sit under a hot lamp — for who knows how long — in a large pan fit for dozens of people. You use a big utensil to scoop them up like a firm casserole or — oh god — a sponge cake of sorts. They are not soft, fresh little pieces of scrambled curds that you can easily pick up with a fork. The texture is abhorrent. They're almost as bad as the "eggs" served on aeroplanes, but I'll stop talking about those before I vomit.

Buffet scrambled eggs probably contain milk, which is often used to make eggs "stretch" further for a crowd but is entirely unnecessary for eggs that actually taste good (Anthony Bourdain even said so). The worst is when you look at the ingredient list for plain scrambled eggs at a buffet and there are more words.

Frankly, buffet scrambled eggs are an insult to pure, fantastic eggs that never asked to be treated in such an appalling way. Some things just don't belong in big-batch, buffet-style form, and that's OK. Bacon? Sure. Fruit? Definitely. But not eggs — we need to treat the scrambles of the world with the respect they deserve. I'd like you to join me in speaking out against this injustice. Perhaps I will start a petition on Change.org. We can call our senators. Let's boycott buffeted scrambled eggs so demand decreases. Together, we can ban this insulting excuse for a food forever.

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